Letters To A Psycho
by Tsukiko hoshino
Summary: In which Itachi pens more or less a love letter and gets a response.
1. Introductions

Disclaimer: As always, nope I don't own it.  
A/N: pure and utter crack. Pre-Itachi Reveal of course, because slightly (Maybe really...) crazy Itachi is the funniest of them all. And I missed that part of him.

* * *

Dear Sakura-san,  
I do hope it's not too forward of me, but since our battle during  
the Gaara retrieval arc I must confess I've been having…issues.  
You remind me of Hanami Dango.  
Which I find rather enjoyable…  
I have heard as well, that you are quite…  
effective in battle and rather intelligent.  
For this, I find you attractive.  
a fact which I find to be a rather...curious experience.  
I've decided not to kill you.

For now.

- Uchiha Itachi.

* * *

Dear Psycho,  
You are a sick freak, I don't know how you got my address, but please  
Go to hell.  
-Hating you as always,  
Haruno Fucking Sakura.  
Ps. Don't write back you creep.  
P.S.S: It's Haruno-SAN to you.

* * *

Just something funny that I was thinking of...I wrote it in like ten minutes. So yea...  
Thanks for reading


	2. Responses

Don't own it.

A/N: These only take as a whole, about 20-30 minutes to write P: and they're good practice. Thanks for the fav's guys.  
And of course all you lovely reviews, and i fixed my uncapitalized I from last chapter. Thanks for pointing that out.

* * *

_Dear Sakura-chan_,  
_  
_It warms the cockles of my heart that you found the time to respond to my penmanship so promptly.  
Although, I must confess I am disappointed in your manners.  
Surely you understand…it's really rather un-lady like to curse.  
Although… if your parents were cruel enough gave you _that_ as your middle name,  
I can see where you get it from.  
I am however rather amused by your lack of concern regarding your life.  
Rather than repelling me, you are becoming even more attractive.  
Sasuke truly is rather foolish to have run away. Speaking of whom, be sure to send him my regards won't you?  
Be sure to tell him to hate more often and ask him if he's stopped wetting the bed lately.  
I've heard terrible rumors about that as of late.  
It's impinging on my reputation.  
- Yours truly,  
_Uchiha Itachi_

PS: Hoping to see you soon dearest.

* * *

_Uchiha,  
_  
Once again you address me too familiarly,  
I would also like to remind you that it's against the law to pursue a minor by order of Konohagakure law.  
Therefore, I insist that you cease and desist all communication with me least you'd like to be labeled a pedophile and put in the same category as that freak Orochimaru.  
I am after all only 15 to your 20.  
You sick pervert.  
Secondly, I'll be sure to let Sasuke-kun know that his freaky brother is hitting me up next time he tries to kill Naruto and I.  
and yes he is rather foolish…much like his older brother who thinks pursuing loyal Kunoichi is a good idea.  
I guess killing the people you care about is the only way an Uchiha  
knows how to express their feelings or something.  
Freaks.  
He'll be thrilled to hear from you, I'm sure. That's sarcasm by the way- in case you don't get it.  
Thirdly, the only thing I want to be warming is a hot poker with which to gouge your  
pretty little sharingan eyes out with.  
Once more, stop writing me. Or I'll do to you what I did too Sasori.

Never and forever not yours,

-_Haruno-SAN_.

Ps: Hoping to meet you never again.  
PSS: You have girly hand writing. Loser.

...

...

.

* * *

Dear Sasuke-kun,

This is Sakura writing you, even though you don't deserve the effort or the time.  
I hope you're doing well with your inferior teammates and having a grand old time searching for your sociopathic brother.  
Who by the way has been writing me disturbing…love letters (If you could call them that.)  
Come back to Konohagakure immediately, and I won't break every bone in your face.  
I'll even forgive you for raising a weapon to Naruto.  
Which by the way, YOU'D BETTER NEVER DO AGAIN.  
Or I'll make sure the Uchiha clan DOES go extinct  
Because I'll cut IT off.  
Once more, Come home.  
We'll deal with Itachi together, You, Me, Naruto and Kakashi-Sensei.  
Yamato and Sai too of course because they are also part of the team now.  
Even Itachi couldn't stand against the whole of Team Seven.  
You'll have your revenge, and I won't be looking over my shoulders every ten seconds  
worrying about being kidnapped and forced to have creepy little weasel babies.

- Your Teammate, forever and always

Sakura

PS: Your brother told me to inform you, that you need more hatred, and that you apparently wet the bed still. It's okay, I'm not judging you or anything…but maybe you should see a doctor or something.  
Like you know, a psychiatrist.  
Just saying...

* * *

Oh Itachi, you lovable creep you...

Don't get me wrong everybody, I liked Good Guy Itachi- and i had my suspicions about the whole massacre thing before it was revealed, but Evil Itachi was awesome too, ya know?  
I kinda miss the old days where Sasuke wasn't an annoying unlikable prick, Sakura was gaining in badassery, Madara wasn't Obito, and Naruto was...well Naruto's pretty much the same as ever, thank god.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels that way?


	3. Correspondences

Sakura,

Stop pestering me.  
You and Naruto mean nothing to me until Itachi is dead.  
Is that a joke?  
Sai is just a pathetic replacement. Seriously, even I have a better tan than that man. His existence is unnecessary.  
Itachi is and always will be a liar; I don't- never have and never will wet the bed.  
If someone my age were to do so however, it would most likely be brought on by severe childhood trauma caused by someone he trusted.  
Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything.  
Why would Itachi be interested in you? You're weak- not to mention annoying.  
Hnn...He must be trying to get at me through you.  
Tch, what a loser, tell him whatever he's planning won't work…  
Better yet, give me the address you're using to contact him.  
I'll end him for good.

-The only Uchiha that matters.

PS: He can not be allowed to reproduce. Keep your legs closed.

* * *

Sasuke-kun,

Apparently, as surprising as this is to you, some MEN find me appealing. Some men might even say they find me- dare I say it…ATTRACTIVE.  
Some men- wait for it…  
Actually HAVE hormones. GASP!- shocking I know.  
It's not my fault that one of them just so happens to be your psycho older brother.  
I guess he has better taste- not to mention sense then _some_ people huh?  
I don't see him prancing around wearing an ugly ass purple bow, looking like an Orochimaru wannabe.  
Your sense of fashion is highly questionable, but then so is your attitude and decision making skills.  
So I guess I shouldn't be expecting much from someone like you, now should I?  
Annoying- is that so?  
Say that to my fucking fists next time we meet. _Bed wetter_.  
Secondly, Sai is a good guy so don't talk trash about him, got it? at least he's learnt the value of bonds, unlike a certain someone. He has his own place in Team Seven whether you like it or not. I find it funny that someone who claims not to give a damn about our team seems so...bent out of shape about someone taking his "spot."  
As for your brothers address, how the hell should I know? There is none. The letters come by a creepy as fuck crow, which by the way has been following me around lately. I'm starting to worry…It was IN my living room when I came back from work the other day, and before that I swear it was outside the hospital.  
But seriously...  
In.  
My.  
Living.  
Room.  
WTF.  
Just what. The. Fuck.  
Seriously, how did it even get in? The windows were locked!  
Ugh- it's staring at me though the window, like- right now.

- Your weirded out teammate,

Sakura.

P.S: If you ever send a snake to deliver messages again, I swear to god you will rue the day. RUE. And since I highly doubt you even know the meaning of the word, here's a little lesson; Rue: To feel regret, remorse or sorrow. It's also a plant that can cause terrible blisters to form that can leave one disfigured beyond belief if tweaked just enough.

Did I mention I'm a medic-nin? Just saying…

P.S.S: The next snake I see goes to your brother's crow. Bet he'll enjoy it.

P.S.S.S: Keep my leg closed? KEEP MY LEGS CLOSED?! THATS NOT THE PROBLEM HERE YOU SONAOFA-I NEVER MET YOUR MOTHER BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

* * *

Dear Sakura,

I'm pleased that you find my eyes attractive. As they say, the most dangerous things are often the most beautiful.  
I as well must confess that I find your own eyes to be quite... magnificent.  
I must apologize…perhaps I have not been attentive enough if you're worried about something as trivial as our ages.  
Allow me to rectify that here; I assure you that five years is really not that large of a gap between us, and it really matters not.  
After all, I am an S-class criminal who has betrayed his village and has already done many a reprehensible thing...more than I could care to count really. Adding one more wouldn't be too much of a burden on my soul, I promise.  
Besides you are at the age of consent in Konohagakure unless the law has changed since I was last there, which I highly doubt considering their security protocols are exactly as they were before I left.  
You should speak with the current Hokage about that- it's quite dangerous.  
Just any old one could come waltzing right through the gates and no one would be the wiser.  
Truthfully, I worry for your safety...as it is at the moment it will be quite a while until we can meet once more. For you see, things have been rather chaotic here as of late...more then usual.  
In any case, since I can't be there myself I've sent a crow to keep you company and watch over you.  
I do hope that you take the time to remind Naruto-kun not too get invested in you.  
It wouldn't do well for our relationship if I were to become jealous.  
As for your concern's about me "Killing the ones I care for." That was not a display of my feelings, but rather a display of my lack of care.  
You may want to ask why one who was normal and generally well liked one day became a sociopath overnight.

-Sincerely yours,  
Uchiha Itachi

* * *

Teme,

Like really? You wrote Sakura-chan but not me?  
That's cold.  
I thought we were bros, I thought we had a special bond...I guess I'll have to beat that into you too, next time we meet, huh?!  
Well, whatever. Sakura-chan told me she'd forward my letter to you, so yea we can can be penpals now!  
Great huh?  
So lemme tell you whats been going down in Konohagakure while you've been gone!  
For one, I'm totally the official candidate for becoming Rokudaime. Okay, maybe not officially, or verbally, but I can see it in Baa-chan's eyes whenever she looks at me. She knows it, I know it, that's all that matters.  
In the meantime, I am totes making progress with Sakura-chan. She even fed me ramen. It was romantic as hell...Until Sai had to open his big mouth and took over for her.  
It was awkward as hell and total ruined my dream- wait i mean it wasn't a dream, it was the real deal, it's just my other dream has always been for Sakura-chan to feed me ramen during a date and it had finally come true but then Sai showed up and well...you know.  
Write me back soon, dattebayo!

-The number one candidate for Rokudaime,

Uzumaki Naruto

Ps: Can you beleive Tsunade-baachan is letting your brother write Sakura-chan? she seems to think he'll give away some kinda info or something.  
me, I just think he's fucking crazy.

* * *

Teme number two, A.K.A: Creepy Eyes, Sasuke's weirdo brother, El Creepo, ect ect ect...

Soon to be Rokudaime hollering at'cha!  
I'll keep it short and sweet:  
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF SAKURA-CHAN.  
Got it? I was there before you, I'll be there after you.  
There is no way you will ever, ever, ever get with her.  
It's sad (For you.) I know, but you'll just have to accept it just like Fuzzy brows.  
I know! you two can start a lonely hearts club for guys jilted by Sakura-chan.  
It'll be you, Sasuke, Lee, and whatever other poor loser I beat in a race for her heart.

-Considering all sorts of painful ways to hurt you,

Uzumaki Naruto

Ps: Kyuubi says he's looking forward to seeing you try to take him.  
Pss: I am too, bring it bitch.

* * *

There will be a response from Sakura in the next chapter among others...I'm sure Itachi is highly amused by Naruto's declarations and will have a very interesting response about it as well.

Who fan girled when they saw Sakura in 616's colored spread? She looked freaking awesome with her Naginata and armor.  
I'm a little bit worried about her absence that chapter...seems like she's about ready to get some spot light which of course is a good thing, but I wonder what she's going to be doing. There are so many possibilities!  
What do you think is going to happen to her?

Personally, my inner Narusaku side is hoping for an Obirin parrallel to happen in which Sakura nearly dies and what not.

On the other hand it would be nice if she were headed towards the Kage's so we could see some Tsunade/Sakura bonding...or she could just be about to start wailing on shiz.

No matter what happens I think I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Lee's crying face was just heartbreaking...Over all a pretty good chapter in my opinion.

Also, Anonymous I agree the whole sharingan business is getting tedious.


End file.
